How learning about my ADHD brought me from breakdown to breakthrough
Reading time: 8 minutes
Recently, I was asked to give a speech at an event. So I chose to speak about my own story. Which was terrifying.
Because it was the first time I got to talk about my story. In public. As in... to a bunch of people, some of whom I've never seen before.
And it was not the group size, or how well we know each other that made me most nervous (although that did play a role).
What made me most nervous was the idea that I would get to speak about myself. Which was still new to me. And still really scary.
But I knew it was important to put this message out there, because of how life-changing it would have been for me to hear it a few years ago. So…
Welcome to Carmen… Unmasked.
Let me explain... in 2018 I had everything sorted out:
I had finished my studies and had moved from Romania to Germany
I was traveling around for holidays (I went to Hawaii that year!)
I had just gotten out of a long-term relationship that had turned very toxic for me
I was able to do whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted without fearing scrutiny from my partner
Was living in a dream apartment all by myself, with no one to care for
I was always surrounded by family and friends who loved me, always out having fun
I had a great job that allowed me to indulge and buy whatever I wanted (luckily, I did not want very expensive stuff)
That was the year when I burned out. I was struggling.
I did not even realize how much I was struggling until a friend came to me one night and saw the state I was in. I had left work on Tuesday, cried all the way home, and could not stop crying until the evening after.
And yet, I had worked that day. I did home office and whenever I was not supposed to speak in calls, I was muted, camera off, bawling my eyes out.
But everyone cries sometimes, don't they?
Yes... Everyone does. But not like that.
So after a few hours, my friend convinced me I was not ok. I do need to take some time off and ask for help.
Luckily, she knew a fantastic psychotherapist that I’ve been seeing on and off for 5 years now...
It wasn't until 3 years, 3 doctors, 3 different diagnoses, and a few types of medication later that I understood what had happened.
I had ADHD.
For those of you who don't know what that is, the long name of what people call ADHD is Attention-Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, and it has three presentations:
Mainly inattentive (the daydreamers, who are most of the time living in a world of dreams and not so much in the day-to-day)
Hyperactive/impulsive (those are the kids who usually get diagnosed early because they are usually very disruptive in school and at home, so their parents and tutors are more aware they might need to get checked out)
Combined (this is the most common presentation and also where I fall in)
I went to my doctor and said... Ok, so I have ADHD. What does this mean for me? How do I learn to live with it? How do I even know what ADHD looks like for me?
To which he said... Well, you take this meds.
Me: Is that it?
Doc: Well, you could continue doing Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. ADHD coaching would be even better, but that's not really a thing here.
...So I decided to make it a thing.
Well, not immediately. Immediately I went home and ordered a full shelf of all ADHD literature I could find.
I waited for the books to come while listening to ADHD podcasts and YouTube videos.
Luckily, there are a lot of fantastic content creators out there (once you know how to spot them) who made it their mission to help people like me: newly diagnosed ADHD-ers who had no clue what this shiny new label even meant for them.
Not even two years later, I was listed as a Professional ADHD Coach in the ADHD Coaches Organization Directory.
I had gone to part-time employment so that I could dedicate time to my coaching business.
I started my own blog to help people learn about ADHD.
And was more at peace with myself than I had ever been.
So how did my ADHD diagnosis change my life so drastically?
Well... It showed me where to look.
Remember when I told you that when I burned out, I did not even know I was struggling?
That's because, it turns out, I had been struggling my entire life, and I was not even aware.
Everyone cries once in a while, right?
Everyone forgets stuff once in a while, right?
Everyone makes impulsive decisions once in a while, right?
Everyone has a hard time starting to do stuff they don't want to do, right?
Well... it turns out... no. Not everyone. At least not to the extent I had experienced.
When I went to the doctor for my diagnosis they asked if I often lose my keys, wallet, or phone.
And I replied "no". Because I don't.
My keys are ALWAYS in the same place I'm religiously putting them every day ever since I owned my first set of keys.
Well, I moved a few times, so not exactly the same-same place, but you get the point. I had a system.
I had a system because if I didn't, over time I would end up spending HOURS looking for my keys, being late to meetings, and getting overwhelmed and angry at myself.
I was surprised to learn that, because of their trouble with working memory, executive functioning, and time blindness, people with ADHD have trouble getting organized.
I was one of the most organized people I knew!
I had lists and trackers and detailed project plans detailing every single step that needed to be taken.
People with ADHD often are late to things. I was always early.
In fact, if I had a meeting at 5 pm, I would do nothing the entire day, so that I don't get distracted and be late for that 5 o'clock meeting.
See... Over time, I had created so many systems and so many routines just to keep afloat, that with the lifestyle I had back in 2018, burning out was just a matter of time.
Because as good as all these systems and structures were, they were also not entirely efficient.
And keeping them required a lot of energy.
Learning about ADHD helped me explain all the other things that I always knew about myself but I was always afraid to show:
Why I had very intense emotions
Why my mind would freeze whenever I was nervous and someone asked something I had not expected (to the point of not being able to say my age!)
Why I was always in a rush, and never able to tell how long something would take me
Why I felt ashamed when at parties people were talking about the hobbies they had pursued for 20 years, and I had a new hobby every day
WHY I FELT LIKE I NEVER BELONGED.
Yes, over time I learned to fit in. I learned to read the room, say what others expect me to say, and sit still, be quiet, and do my best not to bother anyone.
I learned to do everything I could to keep everyone around me happy.
All except myself.
Because if everyone else is happy, this means I will be happy too, right?
Well... Seems not. When you spend all your energy focusing on everyone else being happy, that is what you get:
Everyone else is happy. Except yourself.
Because you never focused on yourself. And nobody knows you're in desperate need of help, because you're always so eager to please everyone, that people just assume you're fine.
So yes, learning about my ADHD started a looooong and steep learning curve.
Looking at my past. Looking at my present. Looking at my thoughts and actions. Now understanding them from a different perspective.
I was not "wrong and unlovable and a misfit".
I just had a brain that was wired differently.
And finding other people just like me, working with an ADHD coach, and learning to be a coach myself is what turned my life around 180 degrees.
Because you see... That saying that when a flower does not thrive is not the fault of the flower, it's the soil....
That one is true. So I started looking at my soil, at the:
people around me
my actions
my job
my home
my relationships
my thoughts
Well... not everything was fertile soil. See...
Having ADHD is like not being able to see properly.
You look at the wall ahead of you, you can see some shapes, but can't really distinguish everything.
And all my life, I was taught to squint harder. And sometimes I got it right. And when I did not, I beat myself up to squint harder.
I thought the key was to just squint harder. Because nobody else seemed to have an issue seeing.
Starting to take the right medication was like putting on glasses. And now I could see some letters I had not seen before.
So I found an ADHD coach, I started exchanging with other "squinters", and I learned how to read what I could not read before.
I learned that "being too emotional" - a thing I hated myself for, did not only mean crying in inappropriate settings. It also meant that whenever I was excited and passionate about something, I could inspire others. I just needed to create more opportunities to work on exciting stuff.
I learned that having "too many hobbies" means that I have a very varied set of skills and stories I can share with people and connect.
I learned that switching career branches (finance, customer service, operations, HR, digital transformation, COACHING?!, blogging?!) is not something to be ashamed of. It shows that I am adaptable, agile, curious, and love learning something new.
I learned that in the right context, each of my ADHD "symptoms" can be a gift.
Impulsivity? Well, what else is creativity than impulsivity gone right?
Forgetfulness? Well, that makes me good at seeing things from new perspectives.
Distractibility? Well... turns out, that when I am genuinely interested in something, I can hyperfocus.
I just need to find something interesting enough.
I think the biggest lesson for me, in this whole self-discovery phase, was that I spent all my life trying to polish a turd.
I was so focused on "focusing harder", on "being more on time", and on "staying even more still", that I never stopped to look at my strengths: love, creativity, curiosity, love of learning, and the ability to bring new perspectives.
When I created the systems I needed to keep my symptoms in check and started focusing on leveraging my strengths... That's when I realized I could be unstoppable.
6 months ago I started my company. I started blogging. I started coaching.
I went from nothing to having multiple coaching clients, having hundreds of people visiting my website every month, to being asked to give speeches ...
So the questions I want to leave you with today are...
How efficiently are you managing your weaknesses?
How well do you know your strengths?
What are you focusing on polishing: your turds or your diamonds?
Take Action:
Learn more: if you or someone you know is struggling with ADD or ADHD, take the first step towards understanding and managing it. Explore reputable ADHD resources, blogs, and podcasts. Knowledge is power.
Seek support: consider finding a coach or therapist who specializes in ADHD. Personalized guidance can make a significant difference.
Join the community: connect with others who share similar experiences. Join support groups or online communities to share your journey and learn from others.
Subscribe to my blog: for more insights, tips, and personal stories about living with ADHD, visit my blog and subscribe to stay updated. Let’s navigate stormy waters together.